Why I Suppressed My Emotions

Suppressing emotions is something that society teaches men. As Jamaicans say, “hold up your pressure”.

Don’t show emotion.

Express no fear or admit to it.

That was something I used to do and still do but for much different reasons now.

The popular philosophy attached to the suppression of emotions is called stoicism.

It is an ancient Greek philosophy that comprises a library of ideas on knowledge and wisdom but the main over-simplified concept is the control of emotions.

A practicer of the philosophy accepts that they cannot control the world or people around them. They can control their reactions towards these things though.

Personally, i never practiced stoicism when i was growing up.

The main reason why people called me a quiet kid back then wasn't because i remained silent on purpose. It was because i had no way or method to express myself in general.

My ego played a part as well. It made me assume responding to people was ‘below me’. 

Men practice stoicism because it makes them look ‘cool’ or superior in the eyes of other men.

I wasn't interested in the appeasement or praise of others. 

When people get mad at me, shout, and blast me with insults.

I say nothing.

Why bother?

Nothing I say will stop their vocal assault.

At best it would continue the argument they wanted to have with me in the first place. That bait would be taken and I would be dragged into a meaningless battle of words. 

I had more important goals in my life.

Arguing with a customer was never one of them. 

Now, my reasons for suppressing my emotions or vocal expression could get passed off as a form of ‘self-care’ if i condensed it into a tidy social media post.

In reality, it wasn't a healthy mindset but one of survival.

Right now, my goal in life was to springboard my business pursuits. 

That meant keeping my job and I already lost my last job due to an emotional outburst of anger.

I grew up associating anger with negative outcomes. So when Jocko, a ex-US Navy Seal influencer said it was a sign of weakness, I agreed with it.

That’s how I looked at anger, an emotion that was below me. 

A lot of the other emotions tended to get thrown into the same bucket as anger. 

Expressing myself has always been my main problem growing up but now I started to weaponize it as an excuse not to speak. 

It took me a while but I finally got over my fear.

Yes. Fear, for that was where it stemmed from.

I feared what would happen if I gave the wrong reaction to something. 

My life was lived with me stepping around egg shells. 

Looking back, I saw the mistakes of it.

I didn't live or experience life that much.

My impact is laughable. All I did was make safe decisions and refused to voice my opinion.

That led to some struggles later.

As part of my healing journey, I had to learn to express myself.

Not because it was cathartic but also because it made me a better person.

I leaned to practice stoicism not as a result of fear but because of a positive outcome.

My current workplace industry is wholesale and retail. When dealing with customers, I have ran into many situations where customers misinterpreted what I meant. 

They would say I was thinking something or acting a certain way by looking at my face or using the tone of my voice and reading the emotions off it.

I’ve had to practice either smiling majority of the time if not giving them a flat facial expression.

My voice would be kept as even and flat as possible.

This way the only thing they grasp is that I'm a pleasant idiot.

That's preferred to them assuming I was giving them an attitude or showing my frustration.

The last reason, anger issues. 

My anger issues have been a dark back burner issue for me in the past.

It got worse in the last few years. A bout of anger made me lose my last job. I had to change.

My state of mind was shifted to make sure my thoughts didn't lead me to violent actions.

I practiced letting things go and shutting out negative thoughts. These have been hard habits to learn but have helped tremendously since I put them into practice.

I wouldn’t say these are habits of stoicism but are in the spirit of the philosophy. 

I could not control the people in those situations I got angry.

My actions could be controlled though and a fit of rage was the wrong solution to those problems back then.

I have done better in not getting angry now.

Those are the negative emotions though so what about the positive?

I’ve gotten more open at showing who I am now.

Fear was not my stumbling block anymore.

People have seen my personality and have grown to like who I truly am under my silent facade. 

It's still a long road though and I have much to learn in the art of expression.

What do you think of stoicism and it's teachings, do you think it can help you like it did for me?