How Envy Ruins Men

I remember when a popular dating coach on YouTube said that the reason why marriage was invented was to prevent men from killing the more desirable men or each other.

It was a strange and somewhat over simplistic statement when it concerns men’s behavior but after some years of thinking back on it, there might be a darker truth to that statement.

Okay, let’s get more complicated about that statement.

Why would some men envy more desirable men for their lives or women enough to warrant a whole institutional cultural norm to be in place?

Men like all humans have needs and wants. The problem is when they want something or feel entitled to something beyond the usual honest effort they’re willing to put in.

But what if they don't get what they want?

Insecurity

Men ruled by insecurity try to get what they want usually through rather bad or manipulative methods.

All to become the ideal man in their own eyes and the eyes of others, namely other men.

In general, humans don’t break, they just adjust and find better solutions to their problems.

This might be the behavioral pattern that has led men to become abusive.

Men conditioned to seek approval and achieve that ideal of masculinity will do anything to get what they want. That aggressive determination motivates them to great heights and unfortunately, great evils. Knowing this, the actions of men against women are talked about at length but never the actions of men against other men.

Case in point, that constant talking point I kept hearing when I was in those male spaces.

The one percent of men (rich men) will get the majority of women or that the majority of women want those men.

I kept hearing this a lot when I was in those male spaces and I started to wonder why they would say this.

Partially, there is some truth to it but it is mostly projected fear wrapped in a lie.

When they say that statement, it’s really a complaint. They know they are admitting to their inadequacy in relation to those ‘rich men'.

Similar to the fascination with the high school Jock and Nerd hierarchy.

Jocks are males generally depicted as good in sports, they always get the prettiest cheerleader girl in school, and bend the rules on occasion. They are depicted as the ones every man should aspire to be.

They are also in many forms of American media depicted as bullies of the nerds. The nerds are the smart, high grade achieving students that are bullied, never have girlfriends, always follow the rules. Nerds are looked down upon.

It is funny how nerds, smart, high-achievers are looked down upon while jocks who are glorified bullies are celebrated.

Nerds and men that far down the hierachy never feeling like they matter will try their best to shake off that label.

They will do almost anything to become that ‘jock’.

This is why that 1% statement is bad. Not only because it demotivates young men and questions whether they should even bother trying, it is also not true.

Women have fantasies of being with a rich man that is good, warm and caring.

There is enough billionaire romances online to back that up but it is a fantasy.

People are a lot more complex than that and reality is a lot more unpredictable.

Regardless, men fear the possibility of this fantasy though. They envy what they believe they are entitled to or desire.

The way men are socialized, men strive to impress themselves or garner the approval of other men.

I saw this a lot growing up and it still affects me currently.

Bullies shame me and other men into behavioral patterns that they conceive as proper or good.

How it Manifests

I was watching a video about a former Neo-Nazi. They said something strange but it made me realize the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

This former Neo-Nazi mentioned why young men joined the skinheads.

Let me guess, you assume it was because they’re racist, right? Not exactly.

He said it was their need to be considered cool and to get girls just like that desired male who just happened to be a skinhead.

Men tend to covet what other, more fortunate men have. To be fair, it would be more accurate to say humans want what more fortunate people have.

But in this case, we are discussing how men’s viewpoints of their betters can become insidious in various ways.

One example is how this envy by men at the bottom of the hierachy scares men at the top enough that they would rather supress woman’s freedoms than teach men how to deal with their envy and burned scorn.

This is why you see so many attempts to take away woman’s rights. It is meant to placate these insecure men, to make them feel better.

When the laws restricting women’s rights to abortion were passed by many red states in the United States of America recently, there were social posts and commentary celebrating the move. Most of these did not involve or mention pro-life rhetoric or even a semblance of why it was important to protect life.

Majority of the discourse was about how it was good women lost that right, how they are irresponsible and lazy, or how they don’t care about men. It made me realise, the law became a vehicle for those Insecure men to punish women.

To add, that marriage joke might be right. Marriage was probably created to placate insecure men. That joke indicates the dangerous shade to how men perform for other men to get accepted while scheming to become better than them.

I could not call that competition. It would be better to compare it to a band of thieves. All of them want the same thing, all will destroy each other to get it.

They’ll smile in each other’s face while coveting how to steal it. That’s what that statement by the dating coach was indicating, the mindset of some men where their assumptions of what they’re entitled to becomes an all-consuming thought that pushes them to desperate or unsavory actions.

Personally, I could speak to that because I used to think like that. I used to envy men who were better than me.

Those thoughts of inadequacy infested my mind for so long. It drove some of my earlier successes but it began to ring hollow.

I became a fraud rather than a success story because my desire was innocent enough. To become a successful writer, but my mindset was poor. I didn’t put in as much honest effort and blamed others for my bad approach to life.

It took me a long time to love myself for who I was rather than hate myself for who I wasn’t.

What do you think men envy other men for and why?